Do UFO’s Dream of ATV’s?

I remember watching basic TV as a little tike. My family couldn’t afford cable TV (kinda like free tv, but with more channels for the price of a car loan). And in case you’re wondering, a TV set (sold separately) was that thing we used too watch movies on called VHS (both movies and VHS player sold separately). Oh, how we struggled. So many appliances!

For us Plebeians, who only had basic T.V. Our other option was Blockbuster. Except, our town was so small, it wasn’t even a Blockbuster, it was building called “Rent Movies Here”. It was like Blockbuster but with less options.

In the UFO category, we had When Mars Attacks and Ghost. But 2001 was a good year when Rent Movies Here finally expanded their UFO repertoire with Independence Day. But after several hours of channel surfing the same six channels, the journey for generic brand soda, Microwave Popcorn and cheap entertainment became a day to day struggle one had too endure.

And yes, we descended into Kettles and Ascended across Moraines. The natural landscape carved out by a rouge glacier thirteen thousand years ago during the last great ice age. The trek into town was by foot: a days journey that required at least an ounce of pure silver and a days ration to be worth the trip.

We usually set out before sunset and never dared make the journey at night because this was coyote country and also because the store closed at ten.

Life here was simple. I once mistaken a meteor shower for UFO’s. I really want too see a UFO. What? My life is boring. I live in a Cultural Oasis of Corn located on the Beer Belly of the Bible Belt. I happen too find the idea of having a meaningful conversation with an Extra terrestrial intriguing.

And so now it is known I was never popular with the ladies in school.

“So, yeah; my boyfriend is currently reading up on the different races of Extraterrestrials. He wants too be able to greet them someday in their native tongue”.

I would be a popular guest at her dinner table mounted too the wall between the deer antlers and the talking fish.

So instead, I watched creepy alien abduction documentaries on PBS (always alone) between my latest rentals of Faces of Death, Ed Gein’s Bio pic and Spice Girls the Movie (usually with family).

“And I’ll tell you what, Bobby” once said the Great Man Hank Hill too his son Bobby. Those alien documentaries scared the fiber out of me. I would walk silently down the hallway at night with the lights out knowing I’m gonna see a bright light and one of those bugged eyed little gray bastards popping outta the woodwork.

And “I swear too god officer, the little bugger crawled outta the crown molding”.

Knowing in my heart that if that did happen which it probably did because knowing me. I would have slept through it.

And so, the officer would be like,”you can’t afford crown molding stupid, you live in a mobile home” as he straights me a jacket, places a white cone cap upon my crown and calls me a fool before pushing me over the edge.

Now besides aliens, the dinosaur from Jurassic Park (the first one) chasing that car also scared the fiber outta me. I had nightmares for months.

And now that I’m older and I look back. I’ve found that I’ve merged the two and I am now officially scared of Shape shifting Reptilians.

Even weirder, I used to enjoy my falling dreams. The ones where you hit the bottom and your whole body jumps outta bed. I should have used it as an alarm clock.

I’ve always had strange dreams and even lucid dreamed. But still have yet too meet an extra dimensional in my dreams. I’d like too meet one. Spark up a conversation. The idea intrigues me.

Again, not very popular with the ladies.

“No Mom, he’s not on drugs, his best friend just happens too be a conscious bond with an entity on a space ship”.

Her little brother would be like, “Hey sis, could you ask him too take me too his dealer?”

Dating their daughter would be outta the question from that point on and I probably wouldn’t make it out alive past their mailbox. Run down by the dominate male on his trusty ATV, sporting a red flannel, a rifle, a Pabst Blue Ribbon and a hat with the Fuzzy Ear Flaps.

You gotta remember this is the boonies we’re talking about. The closest one comes too a holistic lifestyle here is Beer, Cheese, Work and Church; and a good old fashioned fear of everything else.

Of course, that doesn’t explain what happened too my friend. Which I’ll get too here in a moment.

And for someone whose seen probably every known UFO documentary in existence. I still have yet too see a UFO.

Yet, four people in my family have witnessed lights in the sky they can’t explain.

My oldest sister seen bright balls in the sky in a triangle formation before they shot off at unexplained speeds.

My aunt and cousin saw a bright ball of light in the sky as it floated near their car for several seconds before disappearing into the night sky.

And my uncle while stepping outside onto his back porch to take a whiz- witnessed a football sized triangular shaped craft fly across the sky as military jets chased after it.

But, do I have a cool UFO story? No. I don’t even have a boring one, “like I thought it was a flying saucer but than I remembered I was playing Frisbee golf”.

I have a good friend whose ex. Military Intelligence once tell me that he was taken off one of his co-opt missions to do a covert side mission involving picking up weird metal parts of a ship he’s never seen before.

But, do I have a great UFO story? The answer is not even one good UFO story of my own. It almost defeats the whole purpose of writing this in the first place. Except hey, I have a buddy who has a scary story and if you’re going to tell the guy who calls himself a writer a story then don’t get upset if he decides to write about.

So I got to take the initiative for this one because he won’t even talk about it and get’s mad when I try bring it up in conversation.

So, here it goes.

This story takes place in the early eighties in a small Illinois Town along the Mississippi. My buddy Blondie was at a party at the local middle of nowhere. Imagine Children of the Corn but not as interesting.

So, typical party story: he stays just long enough to get drunk before deciding to head on back into town.

So, him in some friends at the party were driving back into town which was like twenty miles away (and it probably wasn’t even a town. More like twenty families living in an old Box Car or something, I don’t know, the eighties were some weird times).

So, their driving towards town on one of those old dusty gravel roads. The ones still there back when rum runners used them to evade the police. Let’s just say this is the place where the state of Illinois ends and Big Corn begins.

And I’m guessing their both too cheap too modernize those roads because they still exist as both corporation and state fight over whose going to pay out the money too convince the tax payers too pay for it.

But all satire aside; Blondie found himself on one of those old dusty roads. It was a clear night. I wasn’t their but I’m going too add that in anyways. I assume it was a clear night because he said they all noticed a bright light in the sky. Which might not have been noticed had it been cloudy.

Now I’ve driven through Southern Illinois. This took place in Central Illinois. But it sorta puts things in perspective.

You have too remember this was the nineteen eighties: everything was cheaper, people had better paying jobs and more money but many still lived in shacks. People still do today. But far less of them in nineteen eighty four.

The point I’m trying to make is this: less people means less light pollution. I’ve seen the skies at night in Southern Illinois. I looked up too what blew my mind. I couldn’t keep my eyes on the road. Good thing my aunt was driving.

We started talking about aliens. I told her I wanted to meet one and have an insightful conversation. She was not welcoming too the idea. We did not see a UFO that night.

But my buddy saw one on that old dusty gravel road as him and his crew decided to pursue the light. They chased it for about forty five minutes before they’re gas tank read empty and they decided to make it as far as they could towards town before they ran out of gas.

About thirty minutes later. They started walking.

They got a few miles from town tired, half drunk and in need of a bathroom break when they came upon an abandoned farm house.

They had to make a decision. It was sleep here on the front porch of this creepy house or walk into town and wait several hours for the gas station too open. The group decided to sleep it on.

The house had a screened off porch with a swing. The five of them emptied their pockets, drank the last of their beer, emptied their bowels (I would hope), smoked the last of their cigarettes and passed out.

He remembers three of them slept on the floor and him and his buddy passed out several minutes later on the swing. It was their failed drunken attempt at keeping post during the night.

When he woke up he says he found himself and his buddy on a different porch swing twenty miles from town in the opposite direction.

He had too walk back to the other house to grab his keys and wallet. No money was stolen and nothing was missing.

He still doesn’t like too talk about what happened that night. I assume it’s because it frightens him. I also hope that cleared up any enigmas dealing with UFO phenomenon. So, their you have it. Are you convinced now that UFO’s are real?

I’m guessing you already had a definitive stand on this pressing issue before you felt adventurous enough too tackle this essay.

My guess is if thousands of years of documented proof found on the walls and artifacts of most cultures around the world at one time or another isn’t enough too convince you then nothing is. Well unless if maybe the pope admitted it on FOX before being beamed up onto the Star Ship Enterprise.

It’s amazing that we believe these stars opinions more than sticking our head out the door and looking up at the sky. We’ve been so brainwashed, we don’t care what too believe in as long as it pays the bills.

Aliens could fly down and go “Who built those pyramids, huge fans”.

And that slacker at work. The one always caressing his phone whispering “my precious” will be like

“I don’t know, Free Masons, go away homo, I’m busy” as he takes another reflectie. That’s a selfie taken off a reflective surface.

He’ll have ten hours of video with an alien trying to teach him advanced knowledge stored in several accounts and in several devices. He’ll kinda watch bits and pieces of it on his tablet between football commercials and will most likely forget about the whole thing.

But, that’s OK because the Pyramids Triangular shape will be rebuilt into a giant dirt bike jump by Unidentified All Terrain Vehicles moving at the speed of four wheel drive after the Egyptian Government sells the site too the State of Alaska and the Guys from Duck Dynasty. And let’s only hope that Trump didn’t get in on the deal and gives the Sphinx a matching hair cut.

But it’s unfortunate because UFO Documentaries used too be so simple back in the days. You’d see a cheap recording of a metallic disk. Leonard Nemoy would get super deep about the cosmos. Art Bell would tell the audience too keep an open mind. And then a Government Sponsored Corporate Skeptic would go on and use science too convince you that everything you just seen was created by people trying too mess with your heads followed by a word from our sponsors the Majestic Twelve.

You were left with more questions than answers like was this educational or was this a big waste of my time? Ah. Good old fashioned brain washing entertainment. Hey, look! Football is on.

Now days UFO Documentaries are all over the place as we attempt to piece together the enigmas of the past. The days of flying Trash can Lids are finally over. You can now proudly place your tin foil hat next too your bible.

And so now that you know the truth that UFO’s are real. Let me ask you? What are they? Because I’m left with more questions than answers.

So I ask you. Look away from the stars and look up at the skies. Because those stars will burn bright long after we’re gone. I don’t know. I thought getting all deep would be a great way to end this.

Leave a Reply