A Love Letter to Love


Dear Love,

How’s it going? It’s been awhile. I missed you. I finally got your message today and was writing back. I wanted to see how you were doing? Did you get the song I wrote about you? If not, I won’t be offended. You get what, like a million of those a day? Most of them written in the hopes of leaving the love out of the equation.Unless, you know, if you poop out a couple of kids and now you gotta pretend you’re in love. Speaking of which, I’ve been meaning to ask. Was I made from you? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want. I understand.


Regardless, today’s Valentine’s Day; that’s kinda your day. Sure, you’ve got to share it with some dead guy. It’s not your fault “Love Day” sounded stupid on paper. But, when are they going to make “Getting Laid Day” sound good on paper. That’s what I want to know. At the very least, “Blow Job Day”. Call it, “Mardi de Fellatio”. Say, a bunch of horny French-Mexicans got together with Teddy Roosevelt to pass a law but the Catholic Church owned the intellectual property rights….until now!


Anyways, I’m glad you wrote back. It touched me very deeply. I think about you everyday. It’s like you’re always here close to me. And, I like that. I like you. You could say, I you you. In bed, you make sex the best. In the mourning, you make my ugly wife super hot. In life, you make kids somewhat tolerable. Unconditionally, you’re my best friend! Although, you can be really one sided and that can make you a real brown eye. But, that’s only half the time! So, I hope to hear from you again soon.

Yours Truly,  

Jordan Dumer

PS, tell you’re twin brother Hate I said he‘s abully.


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