Letter to President Trump
April 19, 2017
Dear Donald Trump,
I’m one of those forgotten Americans you talk about. At least I think I am. It’s hard to say. I don’t remember doing anything worth remembering. All I know is that I’m a simple man with a dream.
My dream is to get a job where I make money doing absolutely nothing. I want a job where I come in, push a few buttons and literally just sit there and collect money. That’s my idea of the American Dream. That’s why Facebook is a billion dollar industry. An industry built around people trying to find an excuse not to do their job. That’s the industry I want to grow in.
The idea of hard work, perseverance, and leaving a legacy is a remnant now of a lost Golden Age. The Middle Class is dead like Jazz Music. This used to make me sad like the blues, once a musical style innovated by skinny impoverished disenfranchised African Americans, now the happy go lucky music of obese white blue-collar Redneck retirees.
And I want to be just like them. I want to be a fat jolly blue collar guy who hasn’t lifted a finger for over a decade. I want to be that fat bastard on his phone all the time as I delegate tasks to the ones with less seniority, so I can go home and feel like all my efforts in making sure I do as little as possible is rewarded with a quick Ego boost.
I fantasize every night about being one of the great reactionary leaders in boss history. I’d talk sports, hit on all the temps, and never help any of the other departments, ever. I’d be the perfect boss. The kind of guy who fucks with his subordinates, you know, abuse them psychologically for fun. It’s how I’d get through the day. But mostly, I’d tell my workers about their flaws, telling them how to do the job they’ve been doing for the past fifteen years and take all the credit for the final product to help advance my career.
That’s where I was hoping you’d come in Mr. President. I need a job and this is kinda my Curriculum Vitae. I think I would make a top notch CEO but willing to start at the bottom as like a Regional Manager of Human Commodities or Vice President of Foreign Production, both top notch career paths I made up without putting any real thought into it.
Anyways, I was hoping you could help me out. Thank you.