Hanzel and Grettle, A Comedy

We all love the Brother’s Grim Fairy Tale. This is that story, written by memory after a camping trip.

Famine, death. Food is scarce. It’s kinda the key point. But anyway. A Woodcutter, which is like being a carpenter, but only at the very bottom, was chopping down branches and gathering wood in the forest to sell for food (which had to be expensive).

You’d think to yourself, maybe he should lay some booby traps, catch some mice or men, maybe a bugs bunny rabbit, but you gotta remember the food was scarce, and so were books, and the reading, writing and trap making comprehension of an Entrepreneur in Firewood. But he was proud fag haggler, for he was the best fag haggler in all the lands.

So him, his second wife and his two kids, Hanzel and Grettle lived during this time of famine. They were getting close to starvation at this point, even starting to slip out of it a little bit.

So the new wife takes the Woodcutter aside and’s like, let’s eat the kids. And dudes like, no babe, have faith in God. And she was like well, God is telling me that Hanzel still has some fat on him. And he’s like, that’s messed up, maybe we should eat you. And that’s when she stuck her butt in the air and muttered, “we can always make more kids. That is, only if the opportunity beckons” she said with a wink emoji.

The Woodcutter wiped the blood from his nose, had only unsexy thoughts and took a cold shower under the waterfall before returning home that night with some fish he found floating in a nearby lake.

Later that night, after fish and random herbs and grasses, he took her aside and is like, so I tell you what, God told me not to eat the kids but he didn’t say I couldn’t lure them deep into the woods. We could use some alone time he said with a wink and a nudge followed by a grunt and a chest beat.

Hanzel, paranoid of his crazy bitch for a step mom, overheard the conversation and was like, #WTF?

So he grabbed his week supply of breadcrumbs that he had saved up and was going to tell them about it when the time came but then this shit all went down and dad is so stubborn. That woman has him wrapped around her finger. So he grabbed a handful of breadcrumbs and put them in his pocket.

The next day the Woodcutter told the kids he needed his help in the woods. Hanzel knew it was game on while Grettle cheerfully put on her coat and boots, their step mom blowing them fake kisses from the shadows of the cracked open door.

Hanzel waited until he came upon an unknown part of the trail. Still, their father led them deep into the woods before vanishing. Grettle cried as Hanzel lead the way eager to make it back to the trail before dark.

This happened three days in a row which by this point, even Grettle knew what was up, but no one said a word out of fear of an all for one slaughter feeding frenzy. They hadn’t eaten now for a few days and Hanzel was almost out of breadcrumbs. Tensions ran high.

That night their father lead them deep into the woods, having been disrupted from his mating ritual again for another night, not to mention feeling pretty stupid for failing to a little kid. Took them deeper than he’d ever been before. This was creepy The Hills Have Eyes, Shakespeares Macbeth and Deliverance deep parts of the woods, the really scary parts where it’s easy to get lost. That part of the woods.

And it is here where the Woodcutter successfully slips out of the picture. Hanzel has long since run out of breadcrumbs, and the ones still around, now long since eaten by the birds. The Woodcutter, upon realizing this, after noticing a few speckles of breadcrumbs along the trail, weeps on his way home to bang his wife.

Hanzel and Grettle get super lost before stumbling upon Micheal Jackson’s original blueprints for his Never Never Land Ranch. This two story paedophile’s wet dream is made of gingerbread with chocolate doors, liquorice gutters, Bubblegum Roofing Shingles, and everything in your wildest imaginations. Reminds me of Charlie Chaplin’s Turkey scene in The Gold Rush, a food induced hallucination sequence.

This, however, is not a hallucination but private property of the Super Elite, a retired mistress of an ex. Tyrant. A sweet old lady who invited them in after watching them eagerly eat her butterscotch doormat. “I have fresh meats, loaves of bread, plates of pasta, cream, cheeses, all of every variety if you’re hungry for more than just sweets,” she said with a charm.

“Do you have any vegetables?” asked Grettle. “NO. Only Salad Dressing” replied the sweet old lady and an Original member of the Behavrian Illuminati. “What do you eat?” asked Hanzel. “I’m on a strict diet” replied the sweet old woman, infamous Spider Widow of the Innocence. “Oh”, they thought and ate portion after portion of meats, sweets, baked goods, Creamy pasta, and cheese dips into a food coma.

The brother and sister woke up inside a giant metal cylinder, naked, tied back to back and glazed in honey. But thankfully, the pot was brittle from years of use that it quickly dissolved when you kicked it.

They scrambled towards the kitchen when they saw the sweet old lady and Independent Satanic Worshipper fast asleep in her bed made from infants bones. They got a knife from the drawer and cut themselves loose when they noticed she wasn’t in her bed.

Then they saw two bright red eyes. That sweet little old lady wasn’t so sweet no more. They stabbed, and punched, and kicked and killed that little old lady until they were sure she was dead. And then they chanted an Ancient Druidic spell and burned the body in the fire pit.

The Next day, Hanzel and Grettle went home with leftovers to tell of the goods news- and the bad news. Their father apologized for letting sex get in the way of child rearing. And they forgave him and lived happily ever after. And their skanky step. Mom. She died from a vaginal infection.

THE END

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