My Robot Ran Off with my Girl

Why even try anymore? Why date? I hate dating. Its a job interview. I put in all this time and money waiting for the right one whose waiting for the day they can finally replace me with a machine.

I think that’s how our species will die. I think robots will get all the good jobs- composers, artists, teachers and presidents- while we waddle around in fear of when the robots finally decide take over the janitors jobs. The thing is they wont- not when they got connections to manufacturers with NASA contracts.

And this is why we are species is doomed. All the earth woman will inter marry with robots, becoming loyal wives, stripping the rust from his bolts every night before bed. I can’t keep up a woman loyal but bet a robot could. I bet that robot would transform the sex crazed she wolves from my everyday experiences into biblical angels of pure light.

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Hanzel and Grettle, A Comedy

We all love the Brother’s Grim Fairy Tale. This is that story, written by memory after a camping trip.

Famine, death. Food is scarce. It’s kinda the key point. But anyway. A Woodcutter, which is like being a carpenter, but only at the very bottom, was chopping down branches and gathering wood in the forest to sell for food (which had to be expensive).

You’d think to yourself, maybe he should lay some booby traps, catch some mice or men, maybe a bugs bunny rabbit, but you gotta remember the food was scarce, and so were books, and the reading, writing and trap making comprehension of an Entrepreneur in Firewood. But he was proud fag haggler, for he was the best fag haggler in all the lands.

So him, his second wife and his two kids, Hanzel and Grettle lived during this time of famine. They were getting close to starvation at this point, even starting to slip out of it a little bit.

So the new wife takes the Woodcutter aside and’s like, let’s eat the kids. And dudes like, no babe, have faith in God. And she was like well, God is telling me that Hanzel still has some fat on him. And he’s like, that’s messed up, maybe we should eat you. And that’s when she stuck her butt in the air and muttered, “we can always make more kids. That is, only if the opportunity beckons” she said with a wink emoji.

The Woodcutter wiped the blood from his nose, had only unsexy thoughts and took a cold shower under the waterfall before returning home that night with some fish he found floating in a nearby lake.

Later that night, after fish and random herbs and grasses, he took her aside and is like, so I tell you what, God told me not to eat the kids but he didn’t say I couldn’t lure them deep into the woods. We could use some alone time he said with a wink and a nudge followed by a grunt and a chest beat.

Hanzel, paranoid of his crazy bitch for a step mom, overheard the conversation and was like, #WTF?

So he grabbed his week supply of breadcrumbs that he had saved up and was going to tell them about it when the time came but then this shit all went down and dad is so stubborn. That woman has him wrapped around her finger. So he grabbed a handful of breadcrumbs and put them in his pocket.

The next day the Woodcutter told the kids he needed his help in the woods. Hanzel knew it was game on while Grettle cheerfully put on her coat and boots, their step mom blowing them fake kisses from the shadows of the cracked open door.

Hanzel waited until he came upon an unknown part of the trail. Still, their father led them deep into the woods before vanishing. Grettle cried as Hanzel lead the way eager to make it back to the trail before dark.

This happened three days in a row which by this point, even Grettle knew what was up, but no one said a word out of fear of an all for one slaughter feeding frenzy. They hadn’t eaten now for a few days and Hanzel was almost out of breadcrumbs. Tensions ran high.

That night their father lead them deep into the woods, having been disrupted from his mating ritual again for another night, not to mention feeling pretty stupid for failing to a little kid. Took them deeper than he’d ever been before. This was creepy The Hills Have Eyes, Shakespeares Macbeth and Deliverance deep parts of the woods, the really scary parts where it’s easy to get lost. That part of the woods.

And it is here where the Woodcutter successfully slips out of the picture. Hanzel has long since run out of breadcrumbs, and the ones still around, now long since eaten by the birds. The Woodcutter, upon realizing this, after noticing a few speckles of breadcrumbs along the trail, weeps on his way home to bang his wife.

Hanzel and Grettle get super lost before stumbling upon Micheal Jackson’s original blueprints for his Never Never Land Ranch. This two story paedophile’s wet dream is made of gingerbread with chocolate doors, liquorice gutters, Bubblegum Roofing Shingles, and everything in your wildest imaginations. Reminds me of Charlie Chaplin’s Turkey scene in The Gold Rush, a food induced hallucination sequence.

This, however, is not a hallucination but private property of the Super Elite, a retired mistress of an ex. Tyrant. A sweet old lady who invited them in after watching them eagerly eat her butterscotch doormat. “I have fresh meats, loaves of bread, plates of pasta, cream, cheeses, all of every variety if you’re hungry for more than just sweets,” she said with a charm.

“Do you have any vegetables?” asked Grettle. “NO. Only Salad Dressing” replied the sweet old lady and an Original member of the Behavrian Illuminati. “What do you eat?” asked Hanzel. “I’m on a strict diet” replied the sweet old woman, infamous Spider Widow of the Innocence. “Oh”, they thought and ate portion after portion of meats, sweets, baked goods, Creamy pasta, and cheese dips into a food coma.

The brother and sister woke up inside a giant metal cylinder, naked, tied back to back and glazed in honey. But thankfully, the pot was brittle from years of use that it quickly dissolved when you kicked it.

They scrambled towards the kitchen when they saw the sweet old lady and Independent Satanic Worshipper fast asleep in her bed made from infants bones. They got a knife from the drawer and cut themselves loose when they noticed she wasn’t in her bed.

Then they saw two bright red eyes. That sweet little old lady wasn’t so sweet no more. They stabbed, and punched, and kicked and killed that little old lady until they were sure she was dead. And then they chanted an Ancient Druidic spell and burned the body in the fire pit.

The Next day, Hanzel and Grettle went home with leftovers to tell of the goods news- and the bad news. Their father apologized for letting sex get in the way of child rearing. And they forgave him and lived happily ever after. And their skanky step. Mom. She died from a vaginal infection.

THE END

Joke of the Day, Books or Family?

I love books. Is it weird that I love books more than my own family? If I had a choice of saving my family or a rare manuscript, I would have to stop and think it through. I mean the book is one of a kind with information that could lead to mankind’s salvation. But my family- they’re they ones who taught me that their right and I’m wrong. It becomes an ethical dilemma. But at least I’ll something to read while I wait for help to arrive.

Joke of the Day, Everyday is Earth Day but Really It’s Tomorrow

We have a day named after the sun. Sure the sun is awesome but only the Earth once a year during a fake holiday.

And how we repay the Earth? We shit all over it.

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I feel bad for the trees here on earth. They get cut down and sliced into tiny sheets for books that promotes polluting the earth and cutting down the trees.

I find Earth day ridiculous. If we’re so well aware of our wastefulness as a species that we have to dedicate a day for making us feel less at fault for being negligent of the Earth’s valuable natural resources. Shouldn’t maybe, we change our culture?

Nope. Slap a new day in their once a year to keep the hippies from rioting to congress; change nothing and call it progress. Now that’s what I call good public relations!

About the Author

 

Hi.

My name is Jordan Dumer. It means: one who descends down river that lives on or near a hill; but you can all me Jodan Dasu Yo or Jordan Dasu instead. It means Just Kidding in Japanese; and is far more interesting then my birth name…boring… it should have been something awesome like Juan Don Doomersmith 3rd, Esquire.

I’ve gone by many alter egos, call them Characters, Shticks, Doppelgangers, Archetypes, whatever. I’ve played the fool, the joker, the jester, the bard and the clown.

Some of these include Guy U. Nevaherdof,  Technical Display, Jodan Daisu and Agape di Vox aka Iopa da Vox.

I’m also the High Priest of Voxtheism, a Consciousness based religion and Grand Master Jester of the Sacred Order of the Forbidden Mirth*, a peaceful misogynistic Fraternal Religious Organization similar to that of the Freemasons (no affiliation to the Freemasons, and until they let me in- boo, Freemasons, boo!

Oh, I also forgot,  I’m not just a Comedy Writer & Scholar but also Musician- in case you’re wondering (which I doubt it). I craft my words in the following formats: Jokes, Essays, Articles & Fiction- and when I’m feeling spunky, some poetry and Lyrics.

I would like to warn you that I’m neither gay or straight, I see only in shades of grey and I’m neither Grand Old Party or Neo-Liberal, so if that’s not your thing, then well, I bid you ado and a fuck you.

I’m trying to shine a light on higher subjects that help build deeper connections within your mind and soul; so that you can use some of these teachings to improve upon your life not matter who you are and where you come from- or just find make you laugh, or whatever, you know- for shits and giggles.

But, I would like to mention Quantum Rhinoplasty my friends with a pinch of Magic (Work in Progress). More simply, I grow every day, learn from my mistakes; and above all, try my best. Because that’s Alchemy baby. I feel the fire burning deep inside! Like some kinda disco inferno!

I have a lot of special interests. The profane bores me. I have to be intellectually challenged. Infusing humour with life’s more challenging topics like:

Consciousness, Spirituality, Religion, Sexuality, Government, Politics, Science, Technology, Mathematics, History, Metaphysics, Quantum Physics, Mysticism, Psychology, Philosophy, Literature, Fine Arts, Poetry, Symbolism, Music Theory, The Occult and Language.

It should be of no surprise that my two favourite genres are Science Fiction and Supernatural Horror- sprinkled with comedy.

But I have a special interest in, Personal Sovereignty (the God given right to have Authority over ourselves and our impact on the world around us).

My influences span far and deep:

Japanese Culture, Russian and British Literature, Spanish and Italian Art, Ancient Egyptian History, Art Film, the Great Polymaths and Technical Death Metal are but a few; and let’s not forget about Classical Greece, The Renaissance, the Enlightenment and the Spiritualist Movement.

I give great respects to the masters who have influenced my work: Rudolf Steiner, Johannes von Goethe, William Blake, Benjamin Franklin, Francois Bacon, Pythagoras, Confucius, Minamoto Musashi, Plato, Manly P. Hall, Nikola Tesla, Salvador Dali, George Melies, Issac Asimov, William Shakespeare, Aristotle, Orson Welles, H P Lovecraft, Edgar Allen Poe and Leonardo di Vinci.

This doesn’t include the long list of Comedy and Humorists who have influenced my work: Mark Twain, Kurt Vonnegut, Adam Douglas and Ray Bradbury; the stand up of George Carlin, Joe Rogan and Bill Hicks; and movies like the Marx Brothers Duck Soup, Mel Brook’s Blazing Saddles and  Kevin Smith’s Clerks.

And the list not only goes on. It keeps growing. So keep reading . Or send your thoughts and influences my way. I’m always open to ideas. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Jordan Dumer

The Brief History of Famous Couples who took that Until Death part Seriously

Throughout history, we find those rare couples who actually like each other (most of the time). Sometimes, their crazy in love and other times, just plain crazy. These couples took their love straight to the grave, or others along with them. Here’s the rundown.

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A white Cleopatra holding a dying Mark Anthony. Makes sense, I guess.

Marc Anthony and Cleopatra: So, Julius Caesar is dead; and Octavian, now the Emperor Augustus, is telling the citizens of Rome that Marc is sleeping with the enemy. And instead of riding back into Rome to defend his honor, Marc stays with Cleopatra to raise an army against the Roman legions. Well, Augustus has raised a successful enough campaign against Marc Anthony to waltz into Egypt and take it over. In retaliation, Marc Anthony and Cleopatra commit suicide.

Years later, another famous couple will also commit suicide, Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun except you know, the fact that Marky Mark, Hitler was a psychopath.

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I wonder how many wives it took before they started to realize this wasn’t going to end well?

King Henry VIII and his 100 Wives: Henry had his six wives, few of which reached old age, thanks to Henry’s inability to produce a strong male heir to succeed him. His obsession with finding a woman fertile enough to produce a male heir, you know, because the sperm has nothing to do with it, lead to some dark freaky places in English History. But it was Henry’s baby Mama Drama that lead to such events as the Protestant Reformation and the rise of one of England’s most popular rulers, Bloody Mary.

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Peter and Catherine the Great (in the Bedroom): Peter along with his forth wife, the waitress Catherine, were both notorious for extra material affairs. But both were pretty open about it even after Catherine produced a son with another dude. And Catherine severed the Empire of Russia well for the next four years after Peter’s death until her death in bed after a stroke. But rumor spread that she died after….after…the reigns broke on her horse.Read more here,  http://www.history.com/news/8-things-you-didnt-know-about-catherine-the-great

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In 1993, according to http://www.planetdolan.com/8-horrifying-sex-deaths/2/, a suicide note left by Animal Trainer Hannibal Cantori, reveals that the reason for the murder suicide of him and is wife was triggered by Cantori finding his wife in their stable going all Animal Channel with one of the horses. It shows a horse long tradition with the fascination of stable related deaths.

Rosanna McCoy and Johnson Hatfield: part of the infamous Hatfield and McCoy feud between two rival families who lived on adjacent sides of a big ass river. The young couple decided that screwing each other was a nice change a pace. But, in 1881, Johnson decided to ditch the pregnant Rosanna and married his cousin instead; but not before some good old fashioned killing each other took place due to humping.

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One could see this as a modern day Romeo and Juliet love story, but less romantic.

Marie and Pierre Curie: Famous lab rats who revolutionized the way we study and understand radioactivity that won them both the Nobel Peace prize. But, at the price of years of unregulated exposure to both of their demises.

And so first fell Pierre, and some years later Marie, but only before winning another Nobel Prize for Chemistry. But before Pierre’s Death, they would produce a daughter that would become the wife of another famous Science dual who will also win the Nobel Prize.

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In contrast, Mary Wollstonecraft, a famous writer and advocate of woman’s right would fall in love with the radical Political philosopher William Godwin; and die after giving birth to a daughter who would later become Marry Shelly, famous writer of Frankenstein and woman’s advocate who married the radical poet, Percy Shelly.

Will and Ariel Durant: Famous Historians who wrote the ridiculously thick collection of Western Civilization titled: The Story of Civilization that runs in 11 volumes. Will was also super into Philosophy, writing and teaching that crap as well. But a month after Ariel’s Death, Will died as well.

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It is said that a red fern grows between lovers who died due to separation from their beloved partner.

And yet nothing beats the mathematically precise death of Math Gods, George Szekeres and Esther Klein who died only an hour apart on August 28, 2005.

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Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow: Famous bank robbers and criminals everyone knows about from the Great Depression or something. They died riddled in bullets. Watch the 1967 classic or the History Channel if you wanna know dates.

But Bonnie and Clyde, like the 1967 classic film, are tame compared to the English couple Fred and Rosemary West who turned their 1970’s swingers palace into both a whore house and a house of horrors; that included prostitution, incest and the murder of several woman. Read the article, http://www.allday.com/deadly-duos-10-of-the-worst-serial-killer-couples-in-modern-history-2180808330.html, for more.

Marylin Monroe and Pretty much Everyone Famous from that Time Period with a Penis: Legendary sex icon from the fifties and sixties, Monroe is famous off cameras for fooling around with such figures as JFK, the initials for President John “F*ck everything that Moves” Kennedy, Arthur Miller and famous ball tosser, Joe DiMaggio. But it was during the marriage with Stick Swinger DiMaggio, that lead to her mysterious and untimely death.

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Kennedy was once the pillar of the community…and Monroe was one of the many women who touched it.

But Monroe is the only lover of the Horny president found dead. Another example, is the Socialite Mary Meyer. Read, http://list25.com/25-celebrity-deaths-that-are-still-unsolved/, to learn more.

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Katia and Maurice Krafft: French Volcanologists famous for recording and photographing lava flows decided to get a closer look at a Japanese Volcano in 1991. They were never seen again. Speaking of Japan, the couple Sachi and Tomio Hidaka died from heart attacks after waiting many years before finally consummating the marriage. This is considered the most popular death on the show, 1001 Ways to Die according to http://1000waystodie.wikia.com/wiki/Ichiboned.

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Go back to sleep America.

Bill and Hilary Clinton: We are all familiar with this dynamic couples penis and cellphone scandals of Hil-Bill-ary. What we are not familiar with the long list of people who’ve crossed paths with the Clinton’s and either show up missing or dead. The Web Article http://www.wnd.com/2016/08/clinton-death-list-33-most-intriguing-cases/, gives a list of 33 connections of strange deaths associated with the political dynasty.

For a man, fighting with your girlfriend goes something like this….

Ever been in a fight with your girlfriend and you knew she was in the wrong? Your all bent out of shape, stressed out and disrespected. Your so mad you could kick your dog.

“I can’t believe she said that like three weeks ago! What a crooked witch! It’s time I get brutal!”

In your mind, you’re planning an epic guilt trip to lay on this woman. “Yeah, I’ll have her drowning in the ocean of her emotions for a week!” You think to yourself.

Oh, it sounds so good in your head. You can’t wait to tell her like it is .

Than, you walk up to her and look into those sad eyes. You want to stick the knife in a little deeper. But, the only thing that comes out of your mouth is;

“I’m sorry. Lets not fight anymore”.

A Love Letter to Love

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Dear Love,

How’s it going? It’s been awhile. I missed you. I finally got your message today and was writing back. I wanted to see how you were doing? Did you get the song I wrote about you? If not, I won’t be offended. You get what, like a million of those a day? Most of them written in the hopes of leaving the love out of the equation.Unless, you know, if you poop out a couple of kids and now you gotta pretend you’re in love. Speaking of which, I’ve been meaning to ask. Was I made from you? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want. I understand.

https://arewehavingfunyetlecture.wordpress.com/2012/02/14/everyday-office-humor-etc/
https://arewehavingfunyetlecture.wordpress.com/2012/02/14/everyday-office-humor-etc/

Regardless, today’s Valentine’s Day; that’s kinda your day. Sure, you’ve got to share it with some dead guy. It’s not your fault “Love Day” sounded stupid on paper. But, when are they going to make “Getting Laid Day” sound good on paper. That’s what I want to know. At the very least, “Blow Job Day”. Call it, “Mardi de Fellatio”. Say, a bunch of horny French-Mexicans got together with Teddy Roosevelt to pass a law but the Catholic Church owned the intellectual property rights….until now!

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http://funnypicimages.blogspot.com/2013/06/hump-day-quotes-funny.html

Anyways, I’m glad you wrote back. It touched me very deeply. I think about you everyday. It’s like you’re always here close to me. And, I like that. I like you. You could say, I you you. In bed, you make sex the best. In the mourning, you make my ugly wife super hot. In life, you make kids somewhat tolerable. Unconditionally, you’re my best friend! Although, you can be really one sided and that can make you a real brown eye. But, that’s only half the time! So, I hope to hear from you again soon.

Yours Truly,  

Jordan Dumer

PS, tell you’re twin brother Hate I said he‘s abully.

A Beautiful Woman is Like a Great Work of Art

A beautiful woman is a lot like a great work of art because you can’t keep your eyes off it. You’re not sure what it is that catches your eye. But it does, and now you’re obsessed. You might, even try to replicate the work onto another canvas. Put, trust me; woman hate that. It didn’t for James Stewart in Vertigo, and it ain’t gonna work for you.

Regardless, a beautiful woman and a great work of art have one major difference. When your done, you’re twelve seconds of glory has the same lasting impression as that painting. It took them weeks, even years to finish that work. You finished in less than a minute. That painting will last a last time. A major accomplishment in the evolution of our species on this planet. But twenty years later, you’ll be hanging out with your buddies going “remember that work of art? Yeah. I painted that face”.