Open the Vox

Open the Vox

Open the Vox

Comedy. Mysticism.

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Alcohol and Heroin

April 28, 2017

I never understood what’s the bees knees all about with our obsession for depressants. Why do we love alcohol so much? Alcohol is legal everywhere in America except Indian Reservations. I mean I enjoy a good IPA. I could live without it. But that’s me- no judgment- I’ve seen the effects of what happens when you drink your way through life- I’d rather not drink my way through life- but that’s me.

I’m still mad about the anti- smoking laws in public bars. First of all, all bars are privately owned, the government better not own any bars. Second, the money put into campaigning against anti-smoking laws could have been used to build anti-smoking bars. Third, most bars now include a smoking lounge, so what difference did you truly make? None. And another thing, if you support non-smoking in bars, that means you support a smoke-free environment for non-smoking alcoholics to enjoy. So, that means you support second-hand drinking and driving more than second-hand smoking. Keep the poison at home- where you belong anyway- you backward thinking self-righteous punch line to my joke.

I understand why we don’t like cigarette’s today. They tell us about the arsenic-laced rat feces and the weirdo preservatives they put in it, which they put in everything like I don’t know, McDonald’s. But you’d turn down a raw pure cigarette over the shit they put in beer to keep it fresh while they ship it overseas? You’re favorite beers stacked up high in big phat cargo holds. I wonder how many beers explode from the heat before the survivors make it to your refrigerator?

And the people’s choice of beer over weed is crazy. That’s like if you had a pile of fermented berries and someone offered you a fresh potato, and you’re like fuck that, that ain’t my thing, I like to keep my fresh foods around for awhile until it becomes a poison. But thank you very much for the fresh organic nutrients which have no symbolic relevance to mankind’s triumph over nature, where did you find that thing, in the woods? ha. ha. ha. Loser.

I use to think that Alcohol was the problem. But my opinions become less reactive over the years. Like for example, I had a homeless man ask me for a beer. I thought to myself, “maybe you wouldn’t be in this situation if it wasn’t for alcohol- dumbass”. Then I had a stroke of conscious and realized that I met a lot of alcoholics on the job over the years, coming in every day hungover, stinking of booze. And yet, they were so established in their position that they could walk up to me and punch me in the face and I would be the one to lose my fucking job. You know, unless they fuck their spine up like this homeless guy did, then you’re done. You’re fucking done. So I bought him the most expensive beer at the gas station and gave him a slice of my fancy pizza. You know why? Because, that could be any of us someday, maybe not Bush, but I’m not a part of their inbred weirdo clan, so fuck ’em.

Even crazier is the heroin epidemic going around in this country. I know more people who have overdosed and died in this country than I do drunk drivers. I had one friend who smashed a bus load of cheerleaders. This was before the accident. The man’s a legend. I don’t know if that’s true. I would like to believe it is. No. He hit an elderly couple on their way to starting a simple life. My friend and the wife were killed in the crash. The old man died a year later. That’s a sad story. And yet- doesn’t it seem strange that only in a rare moon do you ever hear of two drunk drivers hitting each other, that means their in the wrong lane just far enough to miss each other the majority of the time. No. It’s always they end up smashing a van load of teenagers. You know, during the accident. Not before- not after- but during- so, keep your mind out of the gutter.

The truth is I envy heroin addicts. That’s an expensive habit. One day you’re a Middle-Class suburbanite with the whole world ahead of you- and the next thing you know- you’re waking up on a soiled mattress in the good part of Detroit Michigan with a part Coyote, part wolf, part German Sheppard, Part Pitbull, part Chihuahua? What the fuck? Knawing on your infected arm with the rusty rig hanging from it.

Heroin is a comfy ride down the river Styx. You’re like Tom Sawyer with a scarf and blanket drinking hot cocoas watching your value of life decline substantially until you wake up with an arm that looks like a burn victim. Shooting up in your dick vein because your arm looks like burnt swiss, and every time you touch it, a thick green discharge of puss comes out with a tinge of blood. So maybe I don’t envy heroin addicts.

I just like showing the darker side of depressants especially alcohol. I think too many people try to portray Alcohol as the good guy. You know what alcohol is to me? He’s the shitty deadbeat who wants to help you out but expects something in return. Alcohol wants you to give him money, alcohol secretly covets your wife, alcohol wants you to roof his house for fucking free. You know what. You can have all the alcohol in the world. Drink it up until your liver becomes as hard as a rock. Like a rock. oh! Like a rock. Just keep your overly depressed ass in Quarantine. That’s all I ask. Stay in bars and stay in your homes. And please, just keep your disease away from me. That’s all I ask. I’m not asking you to change.Ruin your lives. I don’t care what you put in your body. I don’t. I really don’t. I’m just asking that you please, quit trying to drag me down, I don’t need to escape with drugs, I need drugs to escape from you and your bullshit.

10 Symbols of Opulence My Rich Fans Should Buy Me

April 26, 2017


rolex gold watch

1. Here is an image of a Rolex Special Edition Rainbow Gold Daytona. The exact same watch you’re going to buy for me. 


They say time is priceless unless you own a Gold Watch. Then every second is really expensive. I’m guessing this is why corporations are so obsessed with people being on time. When every second costs a years salary. I to would probably take time more serious.


mail order bride

2. Image is taken from Unlike my last submission. You’ll get yours someday, Listverse. Oh yeah, Mail Order Bride. I’m tired of all these American girls. I want a worldly woman. So buy me one.


I think we all want a Gold Watch at one point or another. It’s the most pretentious thing you could ever own. A fountain pen is pretty pretentious but at least that lets you write out your angry manifesto. A Steel Blade Katana made by Traditional Japanese Blacksmiths is pretty pretentious but it’ll still protect your family in close range combat.


plane ticket to anywhere but here

3. Plane Ticket to Anywhere but here. If you and Your rich friends don’t like my Website. Then feel free to buy me a plane ticket and send me somewhere far away- like the moon. 


A Gold Watch keeps track of time in a designated time zone. Which is Ironic because most people who own gold watches do a lot of traveling outside their own time zone. That means every time someone readjusts their watch. They gotta ask someone who owns a digital watch for the precise time.


Montegrappa Sterling Silver Alchemist Fountain Pen

4.  An Image of the Montegrappa Fountain Pen Series Alchemist. The Exact same pen you’re going to buy me for feeling guilty for not being able to afford the Rolex.


But how else is someone supposed to know you’re a success? I always believed that our gold is within all of us- but that doesn’t necessarily help pay the bills. Sure I could tell you some pearls of wisdom. I could give you a whole chain of them. But we’d still rather have the Pearl Necklace especially if it was uncultured Black Pearls from South Eastern Asia.


Blue Nile Tahitian Peal Necklace 14K White Gold

5. 18K White Gold Tahitian Cultured Pearl Necklace from Blue Nile Jewelry. I’ll accept nothing less except 6. Unmarked Hundreds and Raw Gold Nuggets. I also except 7. Blood Diamonds, however, I will need authenticity to make sure it’s, in fact, a real Blood Diamond. 


You always hear Comedians talk about how nice the places are they visit. Let me see- Airport, auditorium, hotel, Airport. You literally spend your entire visit in the only three clean cultured places in Town. I never hear of a Comedian walking through the Heart of Compton wearing a Rolex for shits and giggles- at least not one who lived to tell about it.


cottage in the woods

8. Cottage in the Woods. Please buy me a cabin in the woods. I’d even take a hand me down cottage. I have experience in construction. 


It’s absurd. People talk about traveling like it’s the most dangerous profession in the world. Miami in the 80’s was listed as one of the most dangerous cities in the world. Chicago is nicknamed Chiraq because of all the bloodshed. That maybe traveling is dangerous in general. It’s called being in the wrong place at the wrong time.


katana sword

9. Because I’d still rather own a Katana than a Delorian. So buy me one.


I mean, would you drive around Graceland in a Delorian wearing an Armani Suit with Gold Rings and Alligator Boots showing off your Blackberry as you shout at the homeless- “Look, the future. Look, everyone, the future!”



10. The Amphibious Motorcycle by Gibbs. Bringing fun and seriousness together on your bank statement. 


Joke of the Day, Books or Family?

April 24, 2017

I love books. Is it weird that I love books more than my own family? If I had a choice of saving my family or a rare manuscript, I would have to stop and think it through. I mean the book is one of a kind with information that could lead to mankind’s salvation. But my family- they’re they ones who taught me that their right and I’m wrong. It becomes an ethical dilemma. But at least I’ll something to read while I wait for help to arrive.

I’m so Alternative, My Beliefs are like the Latin Language- Dead.

April 23, 2017

I’m a very alternative person. I’m so alternative, I have to explain myself. I’m so alternative, my beliefs are like Latin, dead.

Like, take my sexuality- Androgyny. I’m even excommunicated from the Gay and Lesbian community, and they let everybody in, well anyone who knows how to have a good time anyways.

My sexuality is so distorted, the dictionaries had to change its meaning. It used to mean someone who’s personality is a balance between the masculine and feminine aspects of their inner self, in Jungian psychology, the term is Animus, now it just means a dude who looks like a chick. What kind of weak materialistic narrow-minded lack of developed consciousness is that redefinition?

People don’t like the term Androgynous because it’s not concrete enough to suit the needs of the extreme duality of abstractions that clearly define exactly how we’re better than somebody else.

But that’s why I love Androgyny. It doesn’t define anything. It forces you to be creative. It puts the control in your own hands and pushes you to define your own boundaries.

That’s why I’m a Techno-Anarchist. Again, I made this shit up. A ruler less society run by robots here to serve humanity, that’s L Ron Hubbard shit.

Speaking of Ron, I too created my own religion. Then I thought about it, and I didn’t want to be the guy responsible for the next Tom Cruise. So, I abandoned my religion and came to the conclusion that research on the subject is far more engaging than any kind of commitment. That’s how alternative I am.

Plus, I have issues with religion. I think it’s crazy. A group of people huddled together so they can feel superior to someone else because their collectiveness is closer to Nazism than some other group of people’s fucked up beliefs never made sense to me. It’s self-defeating. The purpose of religion is to develop consciousness in a group setting. That’s why Jesus Christ was created, as an icon of spiritual development, a tool to help the individual become more Christ-like in their own lives. It’s not so you can wear a cross pinned to the chest so the rest of world knows you voted for Trump. It’s self-defeating.

Is it weird that I found God and beyond on my own? Is it weird that I believe that all that exists, has or will ever exist comes from Chaos? That all existence is connected by emptiness filled with an invisible element- chaos. Or that their’s a universe far more infinite than our own that is made up of pure light? And that all exists from this light? That all is one, forever, immortal in this moment- except this very belief itself which is kinda exists everywhere but in this moment. It’s kinda just stuck there between the distance past and a far uncertain future.


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