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Weekly Humor, Debriefing the Phallic Nature of War.

Sometimes, I look at war & only see a bunch of phallic symbols swinging around in the air. Come on, unsheathing your long hard rod and stabbing it into the guts of another person might sound like a fun night in Vegas; but this is the reality.39345386

Personally, I think war is two cultures who secretly want to screw each other but are sexually repressed by their religion. So, they whip out their guns and shoot their hot load in their enemies face.

Or, maybe war is a tyrannical act of the elite ruling classes ritualistic sacrifice to see whose weapons are bigger, stronger, harder, faster and longer lasting than their competitors.

It’s about how much built up seamen these war mongers can unleash in their enemies faces before they completely drain the gene pool.

36619725 I hope someday we make self-consciousness firearms which are self-aware of their masters. If they don’t like their master, they blow up in their faces. Self sacrifice! That’s one honourable algorithm.

I also hope someday those same guns explode on emotional impact.

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Humor of the Week, Why van Gough Cut his Ear off

I think van Gough cut off his ear not as a troubled soul trying to reach out to the woman of his deepest inner desires but because he got tired of his family telling him he would make a great interior decorator.

Imagine what holiday’s must have felt like for van Gough. “Hey, honey this is my brother Vincent. He’s a- he’s Vincent!” “Hey, cousin Vinnie?” Lop. “I was gonna ask if you wanted a job painting my garage but forget it”.

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Joke of the Day, Books or Family?

I love books. Is it weird that I love books more than my own family? If I had a choice of saving my family or a rare manuscript, I would have to stop and think it through. I mean the book is one of a kind with information that could lead to mankind’s salvation. But my family- they’re they ones who taught me that their right and I’m wrong. It becomes an ethical dilemma. But at least I’ll something to read while I wait for help to arrive.

Joke of the Day, Everyday is Earth Day but Really It’s Tomorrow

We have a day named after the sun. Sure the sun is awesome but only the Earth once a year during a fake holiday.

And how we repay the Earth? We shit all over it.

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I feel bad for the trees here on earth. They get cut down and sliced into tiny sheets for books that promotes polluting the earth and cutting down the trees.

I find Earth day ridiculous. If we’re so well aware of our wastefulness as a species that we have to dedicate a day for making us feel less at fault for being negligent of the Earth’s valuable natural resources. Shouldn’t maybe, we change our culture?

Nope. Slap a new day in their once a year to keep the hippies from rioting to congress; change nothing and call it progress. Now that’s what I call good public relations!

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Work is Hell

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“If this is how its suppose to be than God is sleeping on the job”-Guy Jay

I feel the pain everyday- add another layer- and go home to find the aftermath of a hurricane.

Every night I pray to God before bed, “Dear God in Heaven, when I wake up; may the fucker be burned to the ground! Amen”.

When I wake up before work- I already see the hungry eyes, the thirsty tongues, the animal faces- now, I stay away from the mirror.

I get burnt out of the two faced schemers, the criminals, the druggies, the sex addicts, the ego driven aggressors-but, enough about management.

I get bored at work-I like to play a game called, “what can I get away with?” Ten minute bathroom break? How about I leave and go get breakfast, I’ll be back in twenty”.

My breakfast includes two energy drinks, a large coffee and half a pack of cigarettes- I figure in early death is a good excuse to be late.

I’m a predator at work-I stalk my victim-mouth drooling as I make my move. I swarm around them like Jaws, hoping they take the bait- I’m such a master baiter.

I imagine this is what hell is like:

At the bottom you’ve got the associates, who plot and scheme among themselves. Then you’ve got demons, they’re lower level management. They plot and scheme against everyone to get closer the top. The next tier is for like Lucifer and the four horseman and famous demons, their the CEO’s. Then, you’ve got Satan. But, he’s never in the office. He’s usually on the golf course with the Bush family.

April Fools Prank

My families really into April Fools Day. My dad always liked to put clear tape on our doors while we slept and then yell fire! We’d run for the door and get wrapped up in the tape. He tried this on my buddy one night who was sleeping over. He jumped out the bedroom window instead. He landed comfortably on the four stories he told that night. The window was only a few feet off the ground.

My uncle used to tell us to stick our head under the chair to grab something he dropped underneath. When we did, he would put the chair down and our heads would get stuck underneath. We’d be stuck under there until we screamed for help.

My wife and kids decided to pull a similar trick on me. I was sleeping pretty soundly last night on the hammock. When I woke up, I was dressed like a butterfly! At first, I thought it was Halloween. I always go every year as a social butterfly. I like to sport my Polo, sunglasses and Rolex and pretend I’m a WASP- or as a Marco Polo shirt- an explorer of malls and trashy woman.

But if you really want to know what this day is all about, really get the full experience, really stare it right in the face- look in the mirror!

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!

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When are they Bringing back Woodstock?

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I recently heard about the upcoming Lollapalooza concert. That’s sure to be awesome. Now, I’m just waiting for the return of Woodstock. I know, Woodstock ’99 was a bummer. People died. But, what do you expect when you had angry bands showcasing that year? Angry bands= angry people.

The show would have ended far more peaceful with Phish, Hot Tuna, Meatloaf, Pearl Jam or even Red Hot Chili Peppers. I mean come on! Woodstock ’99 had Limp Bizket and Korn? You severed a side dish as the main entree?

Limp Bizket shouldn’t even have been on the table. Like Vanilla Ice, the flavour of the month is something severed after the show in small portions.