A Love Letter to Love


Dear Love,

How’s it going? It’s been awhile. I missed you. I finally got your message today and was writing back. I wanted to see how you were doing? Did you get the song I wrote about you? If not, I won’t be offended. You get what, like a million of those a day? Most of them written in the hopes of leaving the love out of the equation.Unless, you know, if you poop out a couple of kids and now you gotta pretend you’re in love. Speaking of which, I’ve been meaning to ask. Was I made from you? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want. I understand.


Regardless, today’s Valentine’s Day; that’s kinda your day. Sure, you’ve got to share it with some dead guy. It’s not your fault “Love Day” sounded stupid on paper. But, when are they going to make “Getting Laid Day” sound good on paper. That’s what I want to know. At the very least, “Blow Job Day”. Call it, “Mardi de Fellatio”. Say, a bunch of horny French-Mexicans got together with Teddy Roosevelt to pass a law but the Catholic Church owned the intellectual property rights….until now!


Anyways, I’m glad you wrote back. It touched me very deeply. I think about you everyday. It’s like you’re always here close to me. And, I like that. I like you. You could say, I you you. In bed, you make sex the best. In the mourning, you make my ugly wife super hot. In life, you make kids somewhat tolerable. Unconditionally, you’re my best friend! Although, you can be really one sided and that can make you a real brown eye. But, that’s only half the time! So, I hope to hear from you again soon.

Yours Truly,  

Jordan Dumer

PS, tell you’re twin brother Hate I said he‘s abully.


A Beautiful Woman is Like a Great Work of Art

A beautiful woman is a lot like a great work of art because you can’t keep your eyes off it. You’re not sure what it is that catches your eye. But it does, and now you’re obsessed. You might, even try to replicate the work onto another canvas. Put, trust me; woman hate that. It didn’t for James Stewart in Vertigo, and it ain’t gonna work for you.

Regardless, a beautiful woman and a great work of art have one major difference. When your done, you’re twelve seconds of glory has the same lasting impression as that painting. It took them weeks, even years to finish that work. You finished in less than a minute. That painting will last a last time. A major accomplishment in the evolution of our species on this planet. But twenty years later, you’ll be hanging out with your buddies going “remember that work of art? Yeah. I painted that face”.

Daily Satire, Flesh Bot

The reason we haven’t come up with realistic sex dolls is because we’re busy trying to perfect human altercation. All those sexy women on all those HD billboards. Photoshop. Look out- Botox injections, fake boobs. The next step, half woman and half machine fully customized with retractable labia, artificial skin that remains hairless and face sculpting technology. Women will no longer have to worry about how they look with their chameleon skin and will have more free time to think about how modern vanity has turned women into living sex robots.